Pushpa’s Blog

writings and thoughts by Pushpa Duncklee

Why Family?

Posted by Pushpa on December 31, 2011

Some things cannot be denied.  The loneliness and broken heart I feel from not getting one card from a family member for Christmas, no texts, no emails.  I still wonder… why was I adopted?  I have no family that seems to remember me as family.  I thought adoption was all about creating family?  Not for me, it never has been.  Not to say that all adoptions are alike but mine has never really been about family.

I live in this nation and out of all the millions of people here, my dad, my husband and my daughter are really my only family other than in-laws.  It feels pretty isolating.  I wonder…why was I sent here? 

Family is something that most people take for granted and have no idea how special it is that they have it.  I would do anything to know what it feels like to have that, people who take the time to let you know you are special.  I thought… I was adopted because I was “special”.  That’s what I have been told anyway.

This December was an eye opener.  I ended up in the ER with a ridiculously high blood pressure on the same day that I came from India to my new “family” at six years old but also the same day that I reunited with my mother for the first time 25 years later.  All I could think was that I have a broken heart.  Why does my heart carry the pain no matter how much I have honed my coping skills?

Regardless of how much we deny it, family and love of family is a basic need and at the core of what makes us feel grounded and able to do anything.  Without this I find myself crushed and giving up so many times through the years.  Why can’t we thrive without family love but survive without it?

© Pushpa Duncklee and Pushpa’s Blog, 2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Pushpa Duncklee and Pushpa’s Blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments »

What I have been up to!

Posted by Pushpa on April 10, 2010

I have been so busy with writing my book, a documentary titled Peh-chaan (identity) and now working to get my book published.  The documentary will be finished and shown in Michigan on April 25th.  The music to the documentary can be listened to and purchased on itunes.  Click on the link  Lovable to listen and purchase.

The last few months have been a whirlwind.  I have been so fortunate to have people in my life that are so generous and giving.  The person who wrote this song and produced it did it without any payment.  The singer and the musician also gave their time, heart and soul to help this project come together.  I am so utterly amazed at the generosity of strangers and long ago friends in putting my dreams together.

I will update as we get closer to showing the documentary but for now you can listen to the song along with reading the words here.  The lyrics blew me away, so poignant and right to the truth.  Enjoy!  Get out the Kleenex, everyone gets very emotional!

Lovable
V1
There I stood
with a dress from a bag
that was left on the floor
placed down at my feet
my soul taken
from the ones that I loved
to a place far away
down a path of deceit
CH1
am I good
am I bad
it’s the truth
that I’ve never had
should I stay
where would I go
can you tell me
what I need to know
am I lovable
V2
eyes wide open
as I peaked from the bed
that was given to me
here inside my new home
just a child
from a mother who waits
from a mother who cries
now she cries all alone
CH2
you are good
never bad
it’s the truth
please don’t ever be sad
gone one day
where’d you go
I can tell you
what you need to know
you are lovable
V3
hearts are broken
but the pain floats away
and the love still remains
Is now what I see
I’ve been  born
three times now it seems
to two different mothers
and finally to me
CH3
I am good
I’m not bad
it’s the truth
that I finally have
here I’ll stay
I won’t go
I believe
what I needed to know
I am lovable
Written and produced by Craig Neil, music by Craig and Jimmy Stadler, Sung by Lisa Carmen©
© Pushpa Duncklee and Pushpa’s Blog, 2009. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Pushpa Duncklee and Pushpa’s Blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

A Card, a Bookmark and a Photo Album

Posted by Pushpa on January 14, 2010

Written By: Stephanie Kripa Cooper-Lewter

Stephanie is a dear friend who just met my mother in India days after my trip to see her.  The following is her experience of meeting me and my mother.

Meeting Pushpa

My mother and Kripa

Pushpa and I met through an online yahoo group, South Asian International Adoptees Talk, on May 6, 2005.  I remember her post vividly.  Pushpa had responded to a thread about child trafficking by sharing that she had been taken from her mother without her knowledge and consent and taken to America for adoption. I think it was the first post Pushpa had ever written there.  As I read her brief post, my heart immediately went out to her and I responded to tell her, she was not alone.  After exchanging e-mails off-list, we arranged to speak together and on June 3, 2005 – I heard her incredible story over the phone.  Pushpa was one of the first Indian adoptees to come to America in 1968 at age six.  What was remarkable about her journey was that she remembered her family in India and was strong enough to return to India (25?) years later as an adult to search and reconnect with her family.  Pushpa shared she had written her story, and wanted to have it published.  I told her she mustn’t give up on her dream – so many adoptees could benefit from the story of her struggles and triumphs – as most of the Indian adoptees I met and knew were like me, with little to no information on their Indian families.   Hearing Pushpa’s story brought tears to my eyes – especially as I realized and heard in her voice how isolated and alone she felt as child and into adulthood – Pushpa had never met an Indian adoptee in person before in her whole life! At least I had grown up with a younger sister who was adopted from another city in India than I.  And having an even younger adopted sister who is African-American, being adopted within the walls of our home was considered normal.

As Pushpa and I talked on the phone, we realized we each had something the other was looking for – I had always wanted an older Indian sister to confide in, and she had always wanted a little sister.  So on that day, Pushpa became my Indian “Didi” and I, her little sister.   After hanging up, I prepared a package to send to Pushpa in the mail that represented three things, a card – thanking her for sharing with me, a bookmark – representing her story that would one day be published, and a photo album – to hold pictures of her family in India from the past and trips yet to be taken in the future to India.  In less than ten days from our phone call, we began looking at our schedules to coordinate the opportunity to meet in person – I’m sure our husbands thought we were “crazy” as we explained our plans to them, but they supported us regardless.  Pushpa and I met in the beautiful North Carolina Mountains and talked for hours sharing about our childhoods, relationships, marriage, parenting, and many other things. I was really struck that I was the first Indian adoptee Pushpa had ever met in person in her 43 years of life.  Although I was 32 at the time, we had many things in common – both married, mothers to daughter’s a year apart – and both desiring to make a difference in adoption, in our own ways.

Meeting Shanti

Pushpa left India on December 10, 2009 – the very same day I left the United States to return to India with my family.  In a way it was as if symbolically Pushpa had gone before me to India, as any big sister would, to prepare the way – and I, the little sister, was to follow in her footsteps.  Without explaining all the details of our journey prior to leaving – we realized upon our return that we ended up traveling to many of the same places in Delhi, Agra and Kolkata on our separate – yet spiritually connected trips.  On Day 10 of being in India my family and I arrived in Kolkata and went to Shishur Shevay.  Dr. Michelle Harrison had graciously arranged for Pushpa’s mother, Shanti, and her granddaughter, Pinki, to meet us later that afternoon. We talked and laughed with Dr. Harrison, ate lunch together, and then went upstairs, to watch the girls of Shishur Shevay rehearse for their dance performance the next day.  When Shanti walked into the room, I knew immediately who she was – it was as if Pushpa was standing there right in front of my eyes!  My heart skipped a beat – Shanti carried herself with such beauty and strength – the same beauty and strength I had seen in Pushpa on our multiple visits together over the last five years.  My daughter, Courtney, and I exchanged glances amazed at the power of biology – after knowing Pushpa, we had now met Shanti.  I understand intellectually and now from experience that children look like their parents – as my son and daughter reflect parts of me.  But seeing Shanti in front of my eyes – and knowing that her daughter grew up thousands of miles away – and yet still retained parts of her mother comforted me.   Both Shanti and Pinki had heard many stories about me from Pushpa.  Shanti turned to me and asked, “You know my Pushpa?” And I said, “Yes, for five years.”  She then asked, “You know my Kaliyani?”  And I said, “Yes, both Courtney and I know Kaliyani, too.”  I could see a sense of relief that the person in front of her knew her family and about their life in America.

However, the first order of business was to tend to my son Nicholas, who in his excitement playing with the girls had bumped his forehead on a door which was beginning to swell.  Shanti wasted no time in expressing concern for him, applying ice, and stroking his hair.  Once a mother, always a mother – I noted to myself as I saw Shanti’s nurturing instinct for children immediately kick in.  Once my son had been cared for – we talked together on the couch.  Pinki helped to translate at times when our emotions made talking hard.  My eyes overflowed with tears as I heard Shanti tell her story of how she looked for Pushpa every day, asking “Where is my Pushpa, where is my Pushpa?”  She told me the love a mother has for her child; especially her first, is always special.  And that no mother could ever forget her child.  Hearing Shanti, an Indian mother, speak from her heart about her love for her daughter was so powerful.  I thought about all the years that Shanti had been alone – without her daughter – unable to hold, touch and care for her.    Missing Pushpa’s school years, her marriage and the birth of her daughter, Kaliyani.  In my humble attempt, I tried to share with Shanti that she should be so proud of Pushpa – when I met Pushpa the pain she held inside was so great – but that today, she was so much more at peace with her journey, because of how their relationship had evolved grown since their initial reunion.

At this point, Shanti had been gently holding my hand and arm and caressing it.  The conversation then turned to my family, as Shanti gently asked, “your mother and father?” I told her, I didn’t know anything.  The look on Shanti’s face was perplexed.  As I turned to Pinki to help translate, my tears again began to surface.  I tried to explain when I left India I was just a baby: I had no memories, names, or anything from my Indian family or trace of my mother.  Shanti paused and I could tell she was visibly upset with what she was hearing.  Then with conviction she said, “Then I will be your mother.  Next time you come to Kolkata, come to my house and stay with me.  I will cook for you.”  I was astounded that this beautiful woman, who had been through so much herself and had so little, by America’s standards, was so willing to open her heart and home to me forever.  I could tell there would be no way to argue or protest at such a gift with someone who had such a spiritual purpose. “Ok, I will come,” I said.  “You promise, you promise?” Shanti asked.  “I promise” – I responded.  “Then, I will always be your mother, too,” Shanti replied.

My understanding of family now means something deeper than ever before.  A simple gift of a card, bookmark and photo album – five years ago had turned into the gift of family.   This is one reason why I know I will return again to India in a few years – I have family to visit.

© Pushpa Duncklee and Pushpa’s Blog, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Pushpa Duncklee and Pushpa’s Blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

Seeing the family…

Posted by Pushpa on December 16, 2009

We had a wonderful time and after all of these years of visiting I finally feel at home with my family.  This trip was so different because I really let my ego go and put my family first.  In the past I spent too much energy separating myself from them in fear of what may happen.

It has taken me all of these years to allow myself to let the walls down and become more a part of my family instead of someone separate from them that was just visiting.  I came back with a peaceful feeling that I finally belong as a daughter, an auntie, a sister, a sister-in-law.  It no longer bothered me that people asked why I didn’t speak Hindi or why they looked at me as a foreigner and why I had so many perplexed looks about why I was so Westernized.  I finally came home…to my other home.

Posted in adoptee, adoption corruption, family, iNDIA, ADOPTION, SPIRITUALITY, intercountry adoption, international adoption, life,stories,culture,, present, slumdog, Uncategorized | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Going to India

Posted by Pushpa on November 27, 2009

This week I will be going back to India once again to see my mother.  I feel so fortunate to have that luxury.  I know that so many of you that read this have never met or know anything about your mothers or families and I understand the pain of those deep haunting soul-felt yearnings of something that seems so untouchable and out of reach.  It is one of the most primal needs that people have( in my opinion) in their lives, the connection to that person who carried you and birthed you.

When I spoke to a counselor about this, she said that you cannot help but desire for this connection because you know this person’s smell, their heartbeat, and their body emotionally and physically.  Who else can you say you have lived inside of and been sustained by?

As I make this journey I will take all of those adoptees, adoptive parents and biological families with me that understand this journey that we all go through with adoption.  Each individually in our own ways but also collectively as a support network of people who honestly care about human life and love.

Emotions flood my entire being as I realize that I am one of the few, the lucky, the fortunate that knows my family and my mother.

This journey is not only about returning and connecting but also we will be filming the documentary.  This has already been an exciting process and continues to get even more exciting.  I hope that the documentary in some way may help all of us who have suffered but also flourished to have a voice and a face in the world.  I will continue to keep working to get my story and others out in hopes of healing and transformation.

Also, to those who donated I am thankful.  I will be taking the money to my family to help them to move into a  rental rather than a purchased home.  I was hoping to raise more money but did not meet my goal.  We will continue to get donations through film festivals with the documentary this year so the goal is still possible!  Any of you who would rather I keep the money for the purchase rather than a new rental please notify me through a comment before November 30th and I will hold it for that but otherwise I will be taking it with me to help the family move into a safer and better rental for the time being.

Thank you for all of your support, I know without you there would be no me and I would not have the strength nor courage to do what I am doing!

© Pushpa Duncklee and Pushpa’s Blog, 2009. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Pushpa Duncklee and Pushpa’s Blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged: , , , | 3 Comments »

Is it so wrong? A poem.

Posted by Pushpa on August 2, 2009

A poem that reflects so many adoptees feelings.

Written by my friend Jennie.

Is it so wrong

To speak out

To SCREAM and SHOUT

Rant and rave

Or should we take this pain

To the grave?

Some say it’s just a stage

Something that comes

At a certain age

We can call it anger

But don’t ever call it rage!

Be grateful –

Life could have dealt

A much crueler hand

Better to join with the happy band

And give thanks

What happens then

To the feelings left within

How long shall we pretend

That we’re made of tin?

Always smiling, always happy

To be freed from sin

You are no expert

On our life

Have you lost your family?

Or borne our strife?

Why do you tell us

You hear our pain?

How can you say that

When our loss

Has been your gain?

Now there’s a truth

That’s rarely told

Bet that makes

Your blood run cold

We give you your status

Make you feel whole

Give you a title

Provide your role

It isn’t enough.

You demand more

And we must deliver

Though our hearts are sore

From the loss and grief

Never-ending pain

Real-life nightmares

Which bring you relief

The loss you once felt

Has now gone away

But your bitterness

Remains to this day

And we must pay

For the babies you wanted

But never could have

Why must our wounds

Provide your salve?

You clean us up, dress us up

Give us a new name . . .

Faith, Joy, Charity

Nothing of our identity

Is allowed to remain

That reality must die

To make way

For the cleaner, whiter version

One great, big lie

But our truth carries on

We keep it alive

This charade will soon end

For now, we survive

And when we speak out

When we SCREAM and SHOUT

We won’t hide our pain

No, we won’t feign

Gratitude and happiness

No more concealing

All of our distress

And what do you say

To these powerful words?

Will you call us ungrateful,

Miserable curs?

You who save children

Such angels, what saints!

Shelter yourselves

From such devilish taints

Spoken by those

Who weren’t heaven sent

Have you forgotten

Who we represent?

We are the past

Of the future you hold

What will you say

When THEIR stories

Are told?

Will you attack them,

Call them names?

When they speak out

Will they too be shamed?

No, not again

Not another generation

Stained by the sins

Of lies, secrecy and deceit

We lay that burden at your feet

And heed what we say:

Do not let their young souls

Suffer this way!

You say we’re ungrateful

This isn’t true

The only ingratitude lies within you

We give you our selves

And what do you do?

You tell us stories

Things you suppose

All kinds of fallacy

Of things you’ll never know.

Make-believe stories

Dreamed up in your heads

We cling to these visions

At night, in our beds.

How cruel, how unkind

To tell these tales

To distort young minds!

But you keep on pretending

Cherish the lies you keep

For this is what you need

To help you sleep

Never thinking that your stories

Cause us to weep

What honor does this bring

To the suffering we’ve felt

Can you call this respect

For the lives we’ve been dealt?

How have we been saved?

When it is your souls

Which are so depraved?

You build your stairway to heaven

On the backs of little children

And what of our origin?

The fiber of who we are

The essence of our identity?

What of our kin?

You tell us they are poor

Illiterate, simple, unclean

Dregs of society

Not fit to be seen.

Yet we exist

In their stead

And your hateful words

Echo in our heads

Fill our hearts

With self-loathing

And disgust

Is this respect?

No, this is unjust

You need us to worship you

And we, we are willing

But you won’t accept this

Without first killing

The beauty within

The tie that connects us

To the place you call sin

Angels in adoption

You need such acclaim?

Does these titles help you

Allay your shame

For delivering so little

And telling your lies

In spite of imploring

Innocent eyes

© Pushpa Duncklee and Pushpa’s Blog, 2009. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Pushpa Duncklee and Pushpa’s Blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 13 Comments »

My absence

Posted by Pushpa on June 15, 2009

Recently I have not been writing in my blog as often.  The reason being I am deeply involved in working on my book.  After 17 years of trying to write a book while processing all of the emotions in and around my adoption I finally got it organized and am now writing a book, it shouldn’t take me too long to get into a form for sending to agents.

This journey has been amazing and filled with such a range of emotions but finally through so much work on myself and healing the past heaviness that haunted me I feel I am finally coming together with a book that can encompass all that I wanted to share of my experience as an adoptee but also as a human being that has encountered much pain and suffering.  Few people dodge that pain and suffering bullet whether adopted or not!

I will continue to write occasionally in my blog and will let all of you know when I get to the next step in my exciting journey.

Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments »

The perfect fairy tale

Posted by Pushpa on May 28, 2009

Adoption stirs up many convictions for people no matter if they are somehow tied in with the process or one of the the triad(adoptive parent, adoptee or biological parent), or have no involvement.  Most people have pretty strong beliefs on adoption.

I read various articles in publications with comments and opinions and the beliefs around adoption vastly differentiate as do the people who write these opinions.

It never ceases to amaze me how many people don’t see adoption as a journey but  an endpoint, result or outcome.  It is as if there is a  “happily ever after” syndrome.  The process to many is the getting and not what happens after the adoption.  For the adoptee the journey begins when their “new”  life begins and their old life is dead.

No one ever seems to say “adoption causes…(you fill in the blank)” but war causes post traumatic stress syndrome, abortion causes psychological issues of guilt, seperation causes anxiety in children when their mother is even separated from them for an afternoon while mom works or  sadness prevails when mom leaves a child for the first time at school.  There are cause and affect to many life’s experiences but why not adoption?  So why is not acknowledged that children and their families go through many psychological traumas when adopted.  We are not even allowed to grieve our losses as adopted children but yet if I was not adopted and my mother died I would be allowed to grieve my loss.  None of this comes from a place of humanity and compassion.

There is a woman who carried this “adoptee”, felt him/her move inside their belly.  There is the adoptee nourished from their mother’s body through the umbilicus. There is an adoptive family who pours their heart, time and money into adopting a child they don’t really know and also there is a biological family who loses a limb of their family tree.

So why is it hard for many people to have compassion and understanding for the adoptee, bio mother and adoptive parent?  The mother creates this living breathing human, goes through childbirth and then for whatever circumstances gets separated from the child(willingly or unwillingly).  The adoptee then gets exported to a foreign land of unfamiliar smells, temperatures, culture and strangers.  the adoptive parents are responsible for a child with unknown physical or psychological issues with hopes of loving and being loved.

Still today it is believed that adoptive parents are all perfect wonderful people with no abusive tendencies, adoptees are the luckiest and should be the most grateful people in the world for being saved out of their horrific lives and biological families can be ignored.

It is such a perfect fairy tale story; a child is saved by the person who gives them the perfect life and the bad person is out of the picture as far away as possible and we all live happily ever after.

When is it going to be acceptable to admit that all adoptees aren’t perfect grateful kids that are well adjusted because they were saved and that some of us struggle with many issues?  Or that adoptive parents may have their issues with their adoptive children or themselves.  Very few families are perfect  but yet those of us who have families through adoption are expected to have perfection and no dysfunction.

© Pushpa Duncklee and Pushpa’s Blog, 2009. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Pushpa Duncklee and Pushpa’s Blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

As a teen in the 1970’s I searched book stores for anything on adoption and there was absolutely nothing published about the issues of the adoptee or adoption.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments »

An advocate

Posted by Pushpa on May 14, 2009

Injustice is surrounding me, not necessarily personally in this moment, but I see it everywhere.  People are getting away with things that are against the law or hurtful to others.

In the last year I have seen middle school hate and viciousness that has been slicing away at the hearts of so many of these young people in my daughter’s school.  From my daughter being told someone wanted to kill her and causing great pain daily in my family’s life to other kids being constantly taunted by gay remarks to taking the punishment to another.  The kids are deeply hurting and the schools don’t seem to care nor do many clueless parents.

I sense that the feelings I had as a child of not being taken care of emotionally is what is running rampant in these teens.  Collectively as humans, we are allowing our children to be mistreated and mistreat without a thought to what the outcome will be to the human soul.  Where are the advocates?  The same advocates that spoke only quietly out of fear of ruffling feathers when I was being illegitemately adopted raised children to speak quietly.

The social worker who told my family she didn’t think it was a good idea to adopt a child from another country due to my family circumstances, culture and personalities remained only cautious and never truly spoke up for me.  The lady wrote in my adoption papers of how she saw the “domineering” personality of my mother and the lack of warmth in her but truly never made a stand for the unsuspecting me that had a life in Kolkata, India.  What was the point of this social worker’s visit anyway?  I really never had a voice nor a true advocate.

Now I see that this is the one gift we can give to those we love and also to those we don’t know…to make a stand for them and their lives.

© Pushpa Duncklee and Pushpa’s Blog, 2009. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Pushpa Duncklee and Pushpa’s Blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged: , , | 3 Comments »

Mother-less

Posted by Pushpa on May 6, 2009

Kaliyani(my daughter) and I

Kaliyani(my daughter) and I

Mother’s Day comes once again.  This day only became meaningful to me since I had my daughter and became a mother myself.  Prior to that I had an adoptive mother whom I had not much of a connection with and a biological mother whom I still don’t know really well.  In a strange way I have been mother-less.

Teaching myself through mistakes and odd people who made their presence through rites of passages in my life to become a teen with a menstrual cycle, buying my own first bra with no help, sexual experiences with the support of Planned Parenthood, teaching myself to cook through failing to follow recipe books properly, pregnancy and birthing a baby with no female support, very little parental advice, and no mother’s arms to run to when sadness fell deep within.

Who would I have been with a mother who was warm and loving and took the time to understand me because in me she saw herself?

Adopted or not it is such a different world we live in with an attachment to a woman who plays the role of mother but lack of this caused me to spin through my life with detachment and aimless direction.  Still I struggle with this, no attachment to a mother, how do I have a relationship with a mother now that only sees me as her “naughty little pushpa” in India who loved to eat mangoes, ice cream and wanted the most expensive saris?  To her I am not the woman who gets up at 4:30am and trains groups of people for a living in a language that she can barely speak, the woman who drives herself in an SUV, the woman who has loved and lost loves and has a teenage daughter who gets called Muslim at school or has never worn a sari.  She has never been to my home and seen my life.

We really know so little about each others lives and for some reason a relationship also includes familiarity not only genetics.  We have bits of conversations that sometimes are laughable because of basic lack of understanding language.  She lives in the past with me and I have a life of 40 years without her in my experiences.

I cherish that I have a mother but I know with all the distance between us we will never really know each other fully.  Oceans, continents, years of life, cultures, languages divide us but we will always have a heart and umbilicus connection.

Mother’s Day comes once again.  This day only became meaningful to me since I had my daughter and became a mother myself.  Prior to that I had an adoptive mother whom I had not much of a connection with and a biological mother whom I still don’t know really well.  In a strange way I have been mother-less.

Teaching myself through mistakes and odd people who made their presence through rites of passages in my life to become a teen with a menstrual cycle, buying my own first bra with no help, sexual experiences with the support of Planned Parenthood, teaching myself to cook through failing to follow recipe books properly, pregnancy and birthing a baby with no female support, very little parental advice, and no mother’s arms to run to when sadness fell deep within.

Who would I have been with a mother who was warm and loving and took the time to understand me because in me she saw herself?

Adopted or not it is such a different world we live in with an attachment to a woman who plays the role of mother but lack of this caused me to spin through my life with detachment and aimless direction.  Still I struggle with this, no attachment to a mother, how do I have a relationship with a mother now that only sees me as her “naughty little pushpa” in India who loved to eat mangoes, ice cream and wanted the most expensive saris?  To her I am not the woman who gets up at 4:30am and trains groups of people for a living in a language that she can barely speak, the woman who drives herself in an SUV, the woman who has loved and lost loves and has a teenage daughter who gets called Muslim at school or has never worn a sari.  She has never been to my home and seen my life.

We really know so little about each others lives and for some reason a relationship also includes familiarity not only genetics.  We have bits of conversations that sometimes are laughable because of basic lack of understanding language.  She lives in the past with me and I have a life of 40 years without her in my experiences.

I cherish that I have a mother but I know with all the distance between us we will never really know each other fully.  Oceans, continents, years of life, cultures, languages divide us but we will always have a heart and umbilicus connection.  All of these things that I didn’t have with my mother’s I give to my daughter and now try to break the cycle because neither one of them had much with their mother’s either.

© Pushpa Duncklee and Pushpa’s Blog, 2009. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Pushpa Duncklee and Pushpa’s Blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments »

 
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.