For the last 16 years I have wanted to get a film out there to tell my story. It started out as a book and then a film about my mother and me and our grueling story of separation since the time I was six. Now in the last five years I have connected with so many adoptees from all over the world and read their stories and now I want to include as many stories that are similar to mine as possible. Everyone has continually told me to write my story and get it out there but I run up against wall after wall with getting it out there. I am frustrated and feel it physically taking a toll on me to keep wanting something that doesn’t seem to be moving in any direction. I question myself on a daily basis and wonder how long I can keep this dream and desire going for something that doesn’t seem to be manifesting. Thousands have heard my story and continue to ask when will it be out there but I am not sure how to do that anymore. A really good friend recently asked me “who will you be once you do get done with this?” and after a brief moment of thoughts flooding into my head I said “I will be free to live my life.” I do not understand the power that this holds over me but it is what I feel I am here to do. I must tell the story of my adoption and the pain and triumphs of a family who had no choice in my life’s path. But also the story of the family that had so much power in my life that they brought me such valuable things in this country such as citizenship, wealth, change of identity, change of social status, experiences beyond compare, and the list goes on. As for myself I am a body and soul divided. One Indian and one American, loving and loathing many aspects of both. At times one culture denying the other, one half of me denigrating the other half of me, boasting one half to ignore the other…who am I? the soul divided with two vastly different cultures so deeply ingrained but neither being who I am. I need to tell my story to bring out the two and meld them together. My body can no longer handle the heaviness in me that needs to be purged through sharing. When will it ever happen?
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